Nak Hon, Lo Nak Hon: Correct, Not-Correct. Correcting Children & Derech Eretz

As you know from my last post, I am taking Hebrew this semester. It's pretty intense and given that my class is from 9-10 pm a couple of nights a week, after an already long day of being a Doctor and a Mom, I am never quite sure how much I am actually retaining. Well actually, up until yesterday morning, I wasn't sure how much. What event happened yesterday morning that assured me that I was retaining something, you may ask? The total melt down of my now 7 year old darling Daughter (DD)! Yup, over french toast which she spit out at me! I was accused between her tears, my screaming and her gulping for air, that I was trying to poison her! "you're trying to kill me she said (hysterically and dramatically), it tastes like MEAT!!" After trying to assure her that there was no meat in , on or around the pan that the french toast had come from and telling her about children in other countries who had nothing to eat (yes Mom I DID SAY THAT), she still refused to eat said french toast. We are not vegetarians, but DD prefers a meat-less diet. As my blood was boiling, over the lack of food in her tummy before school and her melt down, I screamed at the top of my lungs , "LO NAK HON!! LO NAK HON!!" at which point DD looked at me and stopped her hysterics and said perfectly calmly, " you don't make any sense you are so mad.. what did you say?" I said, " Lo Nak Hon!" , "It means this is not correct. Not acceptible. NOT, NOT, NOT." It wasn't acceptible to me that I went crazy because she spit out nourishing food, or that she spit it at me, or that she wasn't eating, or that she accused me of trying to poison her. Then it occured to me. I was getting it! Yippeee. Nakhon is correct in Hebrew when used as an adjective. And, Lo means NO. Nakhon comes from the root of (being) true. I laughed. And DD laughed and then she told me the french toast needed... Maple syrup!! When once applied, she ate! What I wasn't getting was that I needed to be teaching my DD about the concept of Derech Eretz. Derech Eretz is "the code of proper behavior that binds us to each other as human beings and as Jews. According to the midrash, derekh eretz "precedes" the Torah (Leviticus Rabbah 9:3). We can understand this to mean that even before we begin to do important things like study Torah and live in accordance with the mitzvot, we must live with derekh eretz. Helping your child to learn common decency and appropriated hehavior is crucial, and one of the most difficult parts of parenting." 1 In my case, not only did I forget the Maple syrup which should have preceeded the attempt at feeding my DD, I forgot what was age appropriate. As a good parent I needed to remind myself that a 7 year old needs more than 35 minutes to dress and eat in the morning and it was my responsibility to provide the setting where she could be successful in meeting my expectations for her in the morning. I want to teach my DD that there is always room for both of us to grow and change and be better people. This morning she had a full hour to dress, eat and get herself ready for school. There were no melt downs on either side. I was surprized and delighted when she said, "Nakhon?" and I replied, "Nakhon". We were both correct. So until my next post, no meat for us and lots of time and sweetness in all forms including maple syrup! _____ 1. www.myjewishlearning.com , Teaching Your Children about Derech Eretz. How to raise a family of mensches. by Sara Shapiro-Plevan, pulled from the internet Jan.30, 2014.

American Jews: Learn Hebrew!

Well, my Winter School Vacation from Gratz is almost over and accordingly I am back to blogging as well. It seems that even before the Pew Study was published this Fall, there has been an initiative to promote Hebrew literacy among American Jews. To be Jewish means different things to different people. Some of us are Jewish because we were born into a Jewish Family. Others have chosen to live as Jews. Some of us live a Jewish way of life and others don't. We are social, cultural or religiously Jewish, or identify ourselves as "other" - Jewish by name or genetics only. There is one thing though that does seem to bind a people together: a common language. In the case of American Jews according to a recent article in the Jewish Daily FORWARD, ONLY 10% OF US CAN CARRY OUT A CONVERSATION IN HEBREW! The article published Ddecember 03, 2013 by Julie Wiener can be found at http://www.forward.com/...initiative-promotes-hebrew-literacy-among-amer/. In Wiener's article she quotes Arnee Winshall, CEO of Hebrew at the Center,one of the groups who helped start the Hebrew Language Counsil of North America, who said, " Judaism in not just a religion, it's a people,.. and a language is part of what distinguishes a people." It is a sad statistic that even for kids who go to Jewish Day School, that less than 1/3 of students after 10 years of education can carry on a conversation in Hebrew. There are many excellent websites and apps available to learn Hebrew with if you don't have the luxury of being able to take a formal course at a Temple, JCC, college or university. For instance the apple app store has the following FREE apps: Learn Hebrew- Ma Kore, Learn Hebrew- Free WordPower, Learn Hebrew FREE AccelaStudy, Hebrew English Dictionary Box & Translator, Rabbi SHALOM 1 FREE-Learn Hebrew Blessings,Learn Hebrew (Speak & Write), Hebrew in a Month DH Free, Gus on the Go: Hebrew for Kids (which my darling daughter loves!), Learn Hebrew Flash Cards for iPad... well you get the idea. For those of you who would like to whet your Hebrew Whistle, I offer these few words to get you started. You can intersperse them with English and amaze your friends and neighbors with your emerging bi-linguality :-) boker- morning; Cain- yes; Dah-ven, to pray' E-rev, evening; KHE-sed, kindness; KOH-akh, strength; Lo, no; mah, what?; tov, good; tze-DAH- kah, righteousness, the root of charity; who, He; he, She; As for my Jewish Learning and Hebrew studies I have a full semester, all in Hebrew this spring for which I will need KOH-Akh (strength) and lots of it! Shabbat Shalom

Thanksgivukkah : Giving Thanks Jewish Style

We all know that Thanksgiving is an American holiday celebrated by families gathering together to eat a festive meal with turkey and TV. First the Macy's parade and then "the Football" game! As Jews we traditionally gather together to celebrate the Macabees military victory,the miracle of the oil and the restoration of the First Temple at Chanukah and give thanks at the fall festival of Sukkoth instead. This is the time of year though that we eat Latkes fried in oil and Sufganiyot (jelly filled donut poppers). It is indeed a rare event that both Chanukah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day :-)Statistically it happens once in a lifetime. So many questions have arisen this year about this combination holiday. Such as does the Turkey have to be Kosher ? (yes if you keep Kosher), do you stuff it with Challah bread crumbs or not ?(personal preference I think) are the latkes made from regular potatoes or sweet potatoes ? and finally do you bake the turkey or boil it in oil (if you are living in the southern US, like I do, frying your Turkey bird is commonplace!). If you are culturally Jewish and don't really celebrate any Jewish holiday usually are you going to make a big deal about this once in a lifetime event called "Thanksgivukkah" or not? Well, for me this year there isn't much about either holiday that seems really festive. Growing up there was a nice chill in the air and sometimes snow in Cleveland, Ohio. For me this represents the right "Cleveland state of mind" so to speak in which to frame my holiday mood. From a "Jewish state of mind " though I started to wonder about what Jewish law says about celebrating the American holiday of Thanksgiving. According to my web search ( www.judaism.com/od/americanjewry/a/thansgiving.htm ) I found that Jewish law says Jews can celebrate secular holidays as long as they aren't celebrated with people who bring religious worship to the celebration and the celebration itself does not appear to be a religious ritual (there goes the parade and football game at my house this year!)At www.jewishjournal.com/torah_portion/article/giving_thanks_20021129 in Rabbi Ron Shuman's article called "Giving Thanks" He writes about, "Chanukah's meaning lies in this reality. To live as a Jew today means to live distinctly within a larger society, to be challenged toward the fullest expression of Jewish life. We are blessed today with the privledge of seeking purpose in our particular religious identity and celebrations." "Judaism provides a structure for our lives and our values that inspire gratitude for the wonder and mystery of being." "We can also give something of ourselves to others-to our family, friends and people of society. In our attitude of gratitude and acts of Thanksgiving, we truly celebrate Chanukah." As Americans, I agree with Rabbi Shuman, we do live within the larger culture of the great melting pot of America. A place where people, cultures and families are often blended by both religious and secular customs and celebrations. In my Gratz College course this week we are studying about the migration and Immigration of our Jewish Families, what have we lost and what have we gained by becoming part of this larger American culture? Freedom, safety and economic opportunity seem to be the common thread that weaves our great nation together. So although we might have to reconsider the parade, since we have always watched it "religiously",in my family this year we will consider frying the Turkey and eating sweet potatoe Latkes as we give thanks for all of our freedoms. Happy Thansgivukkah to all.

How Are You Jewish?

This week in my Gratz course we are talking about Jews in the Modern age and Judaism's encounter with modernity. We are overall quite an eclectic group and one of my classmates raised the question of what exactly are "Jewish Values? " Our current unit is on Zionism and the development of the Jewish State of Israel. Which of course could be a blog of its own :-) but the point here is that Israel was suppose to be built to reflect and encourage a lifestyle of Jewish values. I suppose much in the way that Gratz college's tag-line is "Education grounded in Jewish values." Such a complex question. Being the "modern age" I started a google search and since this blog is about studying Torah on the iPhone , I thought this will be a good topic!

First though I did answer my classmate's question spontaneously: Being Jewish and having Jewish values means living according to the spirit of the Torah. My explanation there was somewhat more academic of course but my arguments there supported the premise that Jewish values are based in a life guided by Torah.

Next step? Google search on the topic of Who is a Jew? Wow , what a hotly debated topic! At the website http://www.beingjewish.com/identity/whoisajew.html , I first found a request to click on the link to read the blessings over the Torah and since I hadn't done so yet today I did that.

The easy definition is that if someone is born to a Jewish Mother they are Jewish: Even if they don't do a thing in their life that could identify them with the Jewish people ( separate topic best saved for another day). Judaism traditionally is of matrilineal descent. " The question of being a Jew, ...is not the same thing. Having a Jewish heart and Jewish feelings does not make someone Jewish. One has
to be Jewish according to Jewish Law" . So where does that leave those born of a Jewish father?  " there is no indication in the Torah that the Leader (male) of a household passes along nationality and TRIBAL  affiliation YES ( read modern day equivalent Religious affiliation)  is passed down by the Father."  The Rebbi  who wrote the article further explains that Abraham and Sarah were both Jewish because they converted. There seems to be ancestorally another answer that being Jewish, or for the purpose of this blog topic, involves not only being born Jewish or being a Jew by conversion, but by the component of serving G-d in your actions.

This is not so clear cut as on the surface it would seem. In the 21st century this question is hotly debated in Israel and in the UK both. During the time of Natzi Germany you were a Jew if you met the criteria sited in the Nuremberg Laws ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who_is_a_jew ) which  were laws meant to restrict the basic rights of German Jews. So if you had descended from three or four
Jewish Grandparents you were considered Jewish. Notice that there was no reference to your Mother there.  To be considered Jewish enough for Israeli citizenship, only one grandparent must have been Jewish. Interesting point. That would include those individuals who identify as Jewish( genetically, culturally, secularly,ethnically, non-observant and even atheist Jews) but do not do choose to be religious.

In this century the current thought in the Orthodox and Conservative branches is the rule of being Jewish  per matrilineal descent per  the Halacha rules.  In the Reform, Reconstructionists, and
Renewal branches, children raised to foster a Jewish identity and have formal acts of affiliation with the Jewish people are Jewish ( bris, naming s, banished mitzvot, etc) . In general a Jewish upbringing..

This then takes me to the point of how is a person Jewish? Which is complex,but I have tried to address and on to what are Jewish values? There are three sources that I found that I actually like quite abit. The first is the Book of Jewish Values, by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin that starts by emphasizing that Jews value life and anything that sustains life, above all else. Second on www.interfaithfamily.com/relearn ships/parenting/raising_children_with_jewish_values I really liked the teaching of the seven T's: Ten Commandments, Torah, Tefillah(prayer), Tzedakah(righteousness),Teshuva (repentance), Tikkun Olam (repair of the world ) and Talk about it(model it, teach it, transmit the values visibly.) Finally from a purely cultural Jewish standpoint, www.jewishpositive.com/values responds with an article listing: determinant, forgiveness, honesty,punctuality, responsibility, self-control, thoughtfulness, commitment, confidentiality, and piety. I think the second reference sums up what I think Jewish values are. A grounding in the teachings of the Torah and living a life guided by the six other Prinicpals. Shavua Tov L'hitraot ( Have a good week, until we meet again) Shalom />

Simchat Torah: Endings and New Beginnings

This week I am thinking about Torah Readings and customs. At my Consecration and at my Daughter's we both received miniature Torah Scrolls. Today we took them out on the eve of this wonderful Holiday. I carefully opened my scroll to the last paragraph of the Torah, V'Zot HaBerachah, at the end of Deuteronomy(33:1-34:12) and read that section and using my Daughter's Torah read the first part of Genesis (1:1-2:3).  It is well known that by Jewish custom following an ending a new beginning should follow. On Sunday, I know the kids at our Temple will dance around the Sanctuary with their flags and sing, much as many adults will this time tomorrow night: many will also fulfill the commandment to become drunk and dance! Hopefully with designated drivers for those who will drive on Shabbos. For those of my friends still living in NY,NY I am a bit envious that they most assuredly will be dancing in the streets with their friends and fellow congregants!

The practice of dancing on this holiday is said to be traced to the 1 st century ACE. It wasn't until the end of the 14 th century that the back to back Parshat readings came into common practice. In the 15 th century children began to then tear down or burn the Sukkas on Simchat Torah. As pleasing as it is to think of my Daughter tearing down our decorations tomorrow, and saving me the task of doing so, I find it won't be necessary as our decor is made of paper and we have been having huge winds and rains so most of our Sukkah is a goner already!

With  Simchat Torah, another  new beginning has started already with the start of a new school year for our family members and with it a new cycle of Life to share stories about with our Daughter about nights under the stars in the Succot of my youth, games and songs for each holiday and namings of new cousins. Old and new, old and new. Who knew that two Parchot would create such a theme and framework for thinking about the close of one season, the start of the winter seasons and the hope of spring and new beginnings of all sorts? In the meantime to quote a famous song, " I hope you dance!"

Sukkot Ushpizin, (Exalted Guests) and The Seven Female Counterparts

Today as I sit in contemplation of Yom Kippur and rituals associated with approaching friends and family with apologies that might need to be made, I think there is one area that I may need to improve in my life and one large apology that needs to be made. Although I am sure there are other areas that will recieve some attention in the coming year, the one area that seems especially important to me  is to become better versed in Women's Jewish Studies: I am raising a Daughter after all. So these apologies are to the Jewish Women in our history (herstory to those who are reading and would be offended by the masculine reference) who I have up until now neglected studying. Their contributions to the continuation of our people are important and should not be forgotten.

In my wonderful Torah Study group, we study from the contemporary Women's Torah Commentary published by the Union for Reform Judaism ( www.wrj.orgWRJTorahCommentary/default.aspx ) . The accompanying study guide is available at www.wrj.orgWRJTorahCommentary/StudyGuideProgram.aspx . For more than three years now every week on Thursdays I meet with a great group of mostly women and we read parshot (portions of Torah) and discuss the themes, read modern gleanings and poetry associated with the topics and learn from highly respected Women Scholars, some of whom are Rabbis, about the female interpretations of the events in our Torah.

It isn't often that we actually discuss contemporary Womens' Rituals associated with upcoming holidays though. We have discussed and some of my friends have participated in Womens' Sedars for Pesach, but in regards to Sukkot, no one Womens ritual has emerged to date. I was facinated to read recently at www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkot#Laws_and_customs that some Jews recite the ushpizin prayer welcoming the seven "exhalted guests " into the Sukkah.  They represent the seven shepherds of Israel: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Aaron, Joseph and David. According to tradition, each night a different guest is welcomed to join the family and teachings for that day surround a spiritual message or focus for their day. There has emerged recently a ritual whereby seven female counterparts to these shepherds are invited either in addition to or in place of the original seven. They are (in no particular order): Sarah, Rececca, Rachel, Leah, Miriam, Deborah, Esther, Ruth and Tamar, although others depending on the reference are also included or omitted.

So this year, I am going to start a tradition with my DD associated with Sukkot. For each of these amazing and important women, I am going to learn one or two facts about them to teach to my 6 year old. We are going to write down their names in Hebrew on construction paper strips to use to fashion into links and build a chain with them that we will use to decorate our Lanai (our permanent Sukkah). We are going to add a few other important names to those links: her Moms, her Grandmothers, Aunts, Teachers and some Family friends. Each of us should serve as a link to her heritage, her origins, her Jewish her-story, so that one day this ritual of re-calling exhalted guests won't be so novel and our contributions will be given a strong voice.
My vow is for my DD to not need to make the same apology that today I make in earnest.

To see how it goes for us this year look for my photoblog attached to my website at www.growingupjewish.weebly.com ....

Tashlich and Daddy On The Water

Oh Boy. What a week. As my DD, Partner and I prepare for my Mother's Rosh Hashanna visit, I am overcome by memories of the past 39 years as we also prepare for my Beloved Father's Yarzheit which falls right smack dab in between Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur! Yup, right there in the middle. How classically is that,"not recorded in the Book" for the coming year :-(  The year before my Father's passing his friends, Father and I think my Uncle, helped him prepare his Boat, the Bryan-Lee, named for me and my brother (as my Dad said we were our parent's replacements on Earth for the continuation of our faith-), for what He seemed to know was going to be his final boating season. He always prepared the boat the first week of May (we lived in Ohio) and then it went to Dry Dock sometime after Yom Kippur.

In our faith each year we participate in Tashlich, the ritualistic, "casting off" of our sins. : "And you shall cast their sins into the depths of the sea". It is a custom that I learned came from the Babylonian period of our history. Tashlich can also represents the concept of "do not waste" As we toss pieces of bread into a moving body of water to be carried away (or if you are fortunate enough to live in NY, NY they toss bagels off the bridges !- true story, I saw it one year while in Med School) It is a good ritual and very environmentally friendly, as the fish will eat the food and it will not be wasted. It is also good because evidently fish can't be seen by that "evil eye" so no one energy source can find the bread and look at it and know what sins we commited... or so the story I learned goes. To read more about that go to www.about.com.Judaism .

I learned in the year of my becoming a Bat Mitzvah that the reason my Father didn't come to Temple with us periodically was because he was out on the boat, "praying". I always thought he just didn't want to sit through the services, which as a kid, I often found to be boring and I didn't connect with on a level of personal meaning.... His last summer he told me about Tashlich and how he would "cast off" and recite special prayers in preparation for his final day of Attonement. He planned to spend his final ten days righting things that needed to be addressed.

It is because of my Father's ritual that when I learned about Wine Poems in my Introduction to Classical Jewish History Course with Dr. Joe Davis (amazing Professor of Jewish History and Jewish Thought at Gratz College,) that I wrote and later copyrighted the following poem that I will share here, along with a photo taken by my Uncle on the day the Bryan-Lee was being prepared for it's and my Father's final season and His final Tashlich.

Daddy On The Water

Daddy on the water
Daddy on the dock
Daddy at the ready before It's five O'clock
Daddy sitting smiling
Daddy at the bow
Daddy at the ready before It's five o'clock
Daddy praying
Daddy staying
Daddy at the ready before It's five o'clock
Daddy swimming
Daddy fishing
Daddy at the ready before it's five o'clock
Daddy making memories
Daddy and the dog
Daddy at the ready before it's five o'clock
Daddy humbled
Daddy bleeding
Daddy isn't ready now it's five o'clock
Daddy's Daughter ready
To parent on her own
Daddy's Daughter wishes
He was here now that she is grown
Daddy on the water
Oh so far from home.

With my Eldest cousin Ralph as a baby

 My Father Walter Vendeland (Olive ben Joshua)
 as a young man (above) and the in the year of his Passing 1974(below).


Watching the Bryan-Lee being prepped for its season.
Photo by Allan J. Vendeland




For all pray-ers in this season of new beginnings go to: www.yizkor.ort.org:808/html/memprayer.shtml

I wish for everyone a sweet New Year, one filled with all the good things that life has to offer, an easy fast and finally enough reflection into our own lives to know that Tashlich has more to do with not wasting our lives than what we are throwing to the fish.